This afternoon, we went out shopping. Just a little grocery run, it was nice to get out though, and we stopped at Tim Hortons and had a doughnut. yum! Got home around 4-5pm, and attempted to feed Jon, who decided he was too angry to eat, So we gave him a bath while he was already pissed off. ha! After that he did eat for all of 5 minutes, and then fell asleep. I laid down on the couch, thinking i wasn't feeling very good. At some point hubby made cheese steak sandwiches for dinner, i recall him giving it to me and me mowing it down without even sitting up, much less opening my eyes, I still felt like shit. next thing i recall was hubby telling me the bed was made with clean sheets so i could go lie down, I did, still feeling kind of woozy and lightheaded, headache and still post pregnancy sore. I laid down and Toby put two pillows beside me and laid Jon down on them so i could feed him. Fine by me, I got him latched good and fell asleep again, I woke up a couple hours later to him nuzzling me again. Still feeling crappy, I just gave him the same breast, and fell asleep once more. Only for about 30 minutes this time, I woke up as he finished and had to go potty. As Toby took him away and i attempted to get up i realized something awful. My Milk had come in. The breast i had been laying on, the one I'd ignored for the last two feedings, was now double the size of it's partner, heavy and sore as hell, just begging to be drained, and my lillte one had a full tummy. The horror!
Broke out the pump, begged the boy to eat, took a hot shower, nothing... sitting here watching my boob get so big it's malformed may sound amusing, but it sure as hell hurts like a bitch. Jon finally ate, but not nearly enough, he fell asleep after about 10 minutes. so here i sit, ready to burst, watching the other breast slowly catch up in size.
You know how they always say breastfeeding shouldn't hurt? They lie. Or they omit things like, blisters on your nipple if you get a bad latch, breast engorgement, the pain of the let down reflex when baby starts sucking, or the fact that breast feeding releases oxytocin, which causes uterine contractions, which while great for helping your body recover from having the baby faster, are still contractions, You know the ones you suffered through in labour? THEY HURT. Goddamn it. i fully understand why there are so many women who CHOOSE not to breastfeed. I really do.
OK, Its not like I'm going to give up and formula feed just because it hurts, I like to think I'm made of stronger stuff than that! (This is an especially funny statement if you know me). Nevertheless a woman has a right to vent.
MILKING HURTS. Seriously. this sucks.
Krysis
Monday, January 24, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Why can't I have a NORMAL mother?
I accepted a long freaking time ago that my mother is not one of those you would call a "Good parent", she's not even close to a medeocre parent, But she is my mother, So I deal with her. Luckily she lives a whole province away, So its a whole lot easier. Most of the time. For the past several months she's been planning to come visit for 2 weeks when baby comes. She told me in September that she had already purchased her bus ticket. Greyhound has open ended tickets, so you can hop on any bus within a certain date range,So that was fine. Come December we discovered she really hadn't bought her ticket. Whatever, pretty typical of my mom, and we were actually hoping perhaps she wouldn't be able to get one. as time passed, her trip slowly shortened to being a week long because of "work", She hopes we wouldn't be too upset, (we were extatic, less time to have to put up with her "Help"). She did end up coming, on a bus last friday. The bus trip ended up being 30 hours instead of 13 due to road issues. So I've spent the last week being her hotel, having her wardrobe strewn all over my livingroom, Her driving my 4 year old to distraction, and guilt tripping me for "pouting and being angry because she wanted a photo of my baby belly" when really I was sitting in my chair concentrating on making my severe toothache go the hell away. My husband realized that the look on my face was one of agony. but my mother "knows me too well" and that look is obviously one of the pouting little girl who didn't get her way. Yeah... Those are equal. She's taken over my telephone, It doesn't ring unless its for her, She's "Aquired" a coffeepot from one of her male friends, No one in my house drinks coffee, we actually hate the smell of the shit, so I'm stuck walking into a kitchen that stinks of coffee at all hours of the day and night, Unfortunately she doesn't have room to take the damned thing with her, I told her we'll jsut donate it once she leaves, NOT ALLOWED! It's not her coffeepot after all, We need to just store it until the next time she comes to visit. Oh, we'll store it. in the garbage can once we've taken a baseball bat to it.
Thursday night at the hospital, shortly after having given birth, She informed me that she spoke to her work and could stay till wednsday, She had just bought her return ticket though, so she would have to change the ticket in the morning. wasn't I excited? Not really. Come morning she discovered it would cost her an extra 50$ to change the ticket, So she couldn't do it, she'll have to leave monday. OH, thats too bad! not really... Saturday, I had to listen to her whine and moan about how she needs to spend as much time as possible with her precious grand children since she doesnt have long, boo hoo, boo hoo, and by the way would I be willing to lend her the 50$ to change her ticket so she could stay an extra 2 days? Against my better judgement, I agreed. Toby took her to the mall to change her ticket, where they informed her that it was actually going to cost her 75$. So her plans were foiled yet again. Toby brought her home where we fully expected her to spent tons of time with the little ones, Instead she got back, sat down at her laptop, and started helping out some friends with computer issues. She did this for several hours, and then a friend of hers came over to visit, and stayed until approximately 10pm. After which she got back to helping with computer problems until midnight, and then all morning this morning until My 4 year old left for his father's house, He won't be back before she leaves to go home. Really glad she got to spend that extra time with him thats for sure. I'll give her that when she does find time to spend with him, she is good. She did some crafts, played some board games, Chance had an entire cupboard full of board games, he adores them. But she also spent a lot of time telling him to play on her computer so she wouldn't have to deal with him. Nevertheless, that is still a whole lot more than she ever did with me when I was a child.
Now i'm sitting at my computer beside my husband, trying to decide what to do today, I was supposed to go visit someone, but they got sick and had to cancel. Now I'm kind of fidgitty, since I was hoping going out would pull me out of my doldrums, and free me from listening to my mother inform me for the hundredth time that I am not allowed to get rid of this godforsaken coffeepot. I put on a load of laundry, only to discover that the washing machine was set to hot water. I never, EVER wash in anything but cold water. EVER, nor does my husband. Therefore the temperature setting on the washing machine is not something we check. Imagine my surprise to find I'd jsut washed my dark sheets in hot water. Joy.
Alright, I know I sound like an ungrateful brat of a daughter, bitching over little things, but to fully understand the anger that I feel, you really need to know the background of it. and that is much too much for any one blog post. although venting some of those stories may give me a degree of relief in the future... For now though, I'm going to go and attempt to make myself feel a little bit better. Maybe I'll Take Toby up on his offer to take me shopping. Not something he does often, So I know he's worried about me. <3
Krysis
Thursday night at the hospital, shortly after having given birth, She informed me that she spoke to her work and could stay till wednsday, She had just bought her return ticket though, so she would have to change the ticket in the morning. wasn't I excited? Not really. Come morning she discovered it would cost her an extra 50$ to change the ticket, So she couldn't do it, she'll have to leave monday. OH, thats too bad! not really... Saturday, I had to listen to her whine and moan about how she needs to spend as much time as possible with her precious grand children since she doesnt have long, boo hoo, boo hoo, and by the way would I be willing to lend her the 50$ to change her ticket so she could stay an extra 2 days? Against my better judgement, I agreed. Toby took her to the mall to change her ticket, where they informed her that it was actually going to cost her 75$. So her plans were foiled yet again. Toby brought her home where we fully expected her to spent tons of time with the little ones, Instead she got back, sat down at her laptop, and started helping out some friends with computer issues. She did this for several hours, and then a friend of hers came over to visit, and stayed until approximately 10pm. After which she got back to helping with computer problems until midnight, and then all morning this morning until My 4 year old left for his father's house, He won't be back before she leaves to go home. Really glad she got to spend that extra time with him thats for sure. I'll give her that when she does find time to spend with him, she is good. She did some crafts, played some board games, Chance had an entire cupboard full of board games, he adores them. But she also spent a lot of time telling him to play on her computer so she wouldn't have to deal with him. Nevertheless, that is still a whole lot more than she ever did with me when I was a child.
Now i'm sitting at my computer beside my husband, trying to decide what to do today, I was supposed to go visit someone, but they got sick and had to cancel. Now I'm kind of fidgitty, since I was hoping going out would pull me out of my doldrums, and free me from listening to my mother inform me for the hundredth time that I am not allowed to get rid of this godforsaken coffeepot. I put on a load of laundry, only to discover that the washing machine was set to hot water. I never, EVER wash in anything but cold water. EVER, nor does my husband. Therefore the temperature setting on the washing machine is not something we check. Imagine my surprise to find I'd jsut washed my dark sheets in hot water. Joy.
Alright, I know I sound like an ungrateful brat of a daughter, bitching over little things, but to fully understand the anger that I feel, you really need to know the background of it. and that is much too much for any one blog post. although venting some of those stories may give me a degree of relief in the future... For now though, I'm going to go and attempt to make myself feel a little bit better. Maybe I'll Take Toby up on his offer to take me shopping. Not something he does often, So I know he's worried about me. <3
Krysis
Much Ado about the Baby Blues
I just had a baby. Well, not like this morning sort of thing, 3 days ago now. A beautiful 7lb 14oz baby boy named Jon. He is wonderful. He's not my first either, I have a 4 year old boy too, Chance. Chance is a typical 4 year old, hyper, curious, and just plain wonderful. I broke up with Chance's father shortly before I found out I was pregnant with him. I had a history of clinical depression, and my life downright sucked. I was homeless from the time I found out I was pregnant, until about 3 months before I had him, full term. You would think that if ever one was going to have the baby blues and/or post partum depression it would be there, But I didn't. I was incredibly happy after I had chance, scared shitless, but happy. My little boy had a rough time though, He has Pyloric Stenosis, and was hospitalized for surgery at 3 weeks old. at 3 months old, he was hospitalized with RSV, that was Christmas Eve. He was in hospital till January 2nd. happy holidays. But we got through it me and him. When Chance was a year old I met Toby. I met Toby on a video game, I am aware how silly that seems, but it just, happened. Neither of us were looking for anything, but we fell in love. Toby is an American, he lived in Utah. I'm a Canadian, I live in Alberta. You wouldn't think that would be too bad, but let me tell you, you need to be pretty damned committed to a relationship like that. Toby and I got married in August of 2009, He's moved to Canada, but he still isn't allowed to work since his immigration is still in process. It's rough, but we manage. In the time since I've met Toby, I went back to school, I got a great job which i'm good at and I love. My job pays well, good thing considering i'm supporting my entire family. My life has gotten a million times better. Despite Toby's limbo immigration status, and let me jsut say he is here legally, as long as he doesnt work, So he's doing nothing wrong. When I found out last May that we were going to have a baby it was one of the happiest days of my life. We were so incredibly excited, and justifiably worried of course, but we knew we could handle it, one good thing about the crappy life I led before I met Toby is that I learned a lot. How to get by was one of the first things I learned, I am a master budgeter! I figured out our finances early, that doesn't make me not stress unnessicarily over money, but I know I can always figure out how to make sure that my family has all the essentials. We may not be well off, but we aren't starving thats for sure. Nevertheless it will be so much easier when Toby can work. But I've gotten off topic again, The point is, I just had my baby. My life is good. So, Why am I in the shower at 6am bawling my eyes out for no goddamned reason?
The Baby Blues.
I've heard about this. "it's perfectly normal" they say, its ok to feel this way, trapped, anxious, like being a mother will never get any better than this... but it goes away fairly quickly, unless of course it gets worse and turns into postpartum depression. Ok, I understand what it is, I understand that its normal. I keep reading that people should reassure me that it's normal, that I'm a good mom, that they should let me cry, etc. etc. But what I can't find is, what about me? what do I do? I don't feel trapped, I feel... well I think I read this somewhere too, I feel like this whole thing was really anticlimactic. NOW WHAT? I have an amazing husband who I adore, I have a wonderful 4 year old who is so incredibly excited to be a big brother, and I have an amazingly well behaved newborn who makes me incredibly happy, I have a good life, and the best family a girl could ask for. In spite of that, I'm sitting here thinking, what do I do now? What was the whole point of this? I just went through this incredible life changing event and I don't really know what to do tomorrow. I have a whole year of maternity leave? what am I going to do with myself? I feel like I'm failing at something and I don't even know what. I KNOW I have the baby blues, but what do I do about it? Do I really have to just, feel this way for a few more days? I don't want to! I want to DO something to help myself! I just, don't know what I can do. Why is that so difficult? I feel silly. Crying my eyes out because I have a wonderful family who I adore. What kind of bullshit is that? Maybe if I felt better physically it would be easier. But I just had a goddamned baby. My abdominal muscles hate me, my shoulders are killing me, my breasts ache, my uterus is contracting, I'm bloody exhausted, It's all normal I know, but that doesn't mean I have to LIKE it. So in the meantime, what do I do? I don't know... Usually when I'm stressed out or upset, I go shopping. It's a god aweful habit that I just can't break, but it makes me feel better. The fact that I don't even want to go shopping makes me worry that perhaps I'm losing what little is left of my sanity! I guess I just have to take it one moment at a time for now. Rely on the ones who love me, and eventually I'll get through it. Perhaps I'll even manage to figure out something that helps. I think talking about it is the first step. Just gotta keep walking...
Krysis
The Baby Blues.
I've heard about this. "it's perfectly normal" they say, its ok to feel this way, trapped, anxious, like being a mother will never get any better than this... but it goes away fairly quickly, unless of course it gets worse and turns into postpartum depression. Ok, I understand what it is, I understand that its normal. I keep reading that people should reassure me that it's normal, that I'm a good mom, that they should let me cry, etc. etc. But what I can't find is, what about me? what do I do? I don't feel trapped, I feel... well I think I read this somewhere too, I feel like this whole thing was really anticlimactic. NOW WHAT? I have an amazing husband who I adore, I have a wonderful 4 year old who is so incredibly excited to be a big brother, and I have an amazingly well behaved newborn who makes me incredibly happy, I have a good life, and the best family a girl could ask for. In spite of that, I'm sitting here thinking, what do I do now? What was the whole point of this? I just went through this incredible life changing event and I don't really know what to do tomorrow. I have a whole year of maternity leave? what am I going to do with myself? I feel like I'm failing at something and I don't even know what. I KNOW I have the baby blues, but what do I do about it? Do I really have to just, feel this way for a few more days? I don't want to! I want to DO something to help myself! I just, don't know what I can do. Why is that so difficult? I feel silly. Crying my eyes out because I have a wonderful family who I adore. What kind of bullshit is that? Maybe if I felt better physically it would be easier. But I just had a goddamned baby. My abdominal muscles hate me, my shoulders are killing me, my breasts ache, my uterus is contracting, I'm bloody exhausted, It's all normal I know, but that doesn't mean I have to LIKE it. So in the meantime, what do I do? I don't know... Usually when I'm stressed out or upset, I go shopping. It's a god aweful habit that I just can't break, but it makes me feel better. The fact that I don't even want to go shopping makes me worry that perhaps I'm losing what little is left of my sanity! I guess I just have to take it one moment at a time for now. Rely on the ones who love me, and eventually I'll get through it. Perhaps I'll even manage to figure out something that helps. I think talking about it is the first step. Just gotta keep walking...
Krysis
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