I just had a baby. Well, not like this morning sort of thing, 3 days ago now. A beautiful 7lb 14oz baby boy named Jon. He is wonderful. He's not my first either, I have a 4 year old boy too, Chance. Chance is a typical 4 year old, hyper, curious, and just plain wonderful. I broke up with Chance's father shortly before I found out I was pregnant with him. I had a history of clinical depression, and my life downright sucked. I was homeless from the time I found out I was pregnant, until about 3 months before I had him, full term. You would think that if ever one was going to have the baby blues and/or post partum depression it would be there, But I didn't. I was incredibly happy after I had chance, scared shitless, but happy. My little boy had a rough time though, He has Pyloric Stenosis, and was hospitalized for surgery at 3 weeks old. at 3 months old, he was hospitalized with RSV, that was Christmas Eve. He was in hospital till January 2nd. happy holidays. But we got through it me and him. When Chance was a year old I met Toby. I met Toby on a video game, I am aware how silly that seems, but it just, happened. Neither of us were looking for anything, but we fell in love. Toby is an American, he lived in Utah. I'm a Canadian, I live in Alberta. You wouldn't think that would be too bad, but let me tell you, you need to be pretty damned committed to a relationship like that. Toby and I got married in August of 2009, He's moved to Canada, but he still isn't allowed to work since his immigration is still in process. It's rough, but we manage. In the time since I've met Toby, I went back to school, I got a great job which i'm good at and I love. My job pays well, good thing considering i'm supporting my entire family. My life has gotten a million times better. Despite Toby's limbo immigration status, and let me jsut say he is here legally, as long as he doesnt work, So he's doing nothing wrong. When I found out last May that we were going to have a baby it was one of the happiest days of my life. We were so incredibly excited, and justifiably worried of course, but we knew we could handle it, one good thing about the crappy life I led before I met Toby is that I learned a lot. How to get by was one of the first things I learned, I am a master budgeter! I figured out our finances early, that doesn't make me not stress unnessicarily over money, but I know I can always figure out how to make sure that my family has all the essentials. We may not be well off, but we aren't starving thats for sure. Nevertheless it will be so much easier when Toby can work. But I've gotten off topic again, The point is, I just had my baby. My life is good. So, Why am I in the shower at 6am bawling my eyes out for no goddamned reason?
The Baby Blues.
I've heard about this. "it's perfectly normal" they say, its ok to feel this way, trapped, anxious, like being a mother will never get any better than this... but it goes away fairly quickly, unless of course it gets worse and turns into postpartum depression. Ok, I understand what it is, I understand that its normal. I keep reading that people should reassure me that it's normal, that I'm a good mom, that they should let me cry, etc. etc. But what I can't find is, what about me? what do I do? I don't feel trapped, I feel... well I think I read this somewhere too, I feel like this whole thing was really anticlimactic. NOW WHAT? I have an amazing husband who I adore, I have a wonderful 4 year old who is so incredibly excited to be a big brother, and I have an amazingly well behaved newborn who makes me incredibly happy, I have a good life, and the best family a girl could ask for. In spite of that, I'm sitting here thinking, what do I do now? What was the whole point of this? I just went through this incredible life changing event and I don't really know what to do tomorrow. I have a whole year of maternity leave? what am I going to do with myself? I feel like I'm failing at something and I don't even know what. I KNOW I have the baby blues, but what do I do about it? Do I really have to just, feel this way for a few more days? I don't want to! I want to DO something to help myself! I just, don't know what I can do. Why is that so difficult? I feel silly. Crying my eyes out because I have a wonderful family who I adore. What kind of bullshit is that? Maybe if I felt better physically it would be easier. But I just had a goddamned baby. My abdominal muscles hate me, my shoulders are killing me, my breasts ache, my uterus is contracting, I'm bloody exhausted, It's all normal I know, but that doesn't mean I have to LIKE it. So in the meantime, what do I do? I don't know... Usually when I'm stressed out or upset, I go shopping. It's a god aweful habit that I just can't break, but it makes me feel better. The fact that I don't even want to go shopping makes me worry that perhaps I'm losing what little is left of my sanity! I guess I just have to take it one moment at a time for now. Rely on the ones who love me, and eventually I'll get through it. Perhaps I'll even manage to figure out something that helps. I think talking about it is the first step. Just gotta keep walking...
Krysis
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