Critical Failure

I feel like I'm failing. Badly.

So, I've been having troubles with this whole breastfeeding thing, It was going well until about the 3rd week, I don't know what happened, a bad latch or, something? but I was so sore, I coudn't handle it, I was in tears trying to feed him, Toby noticed, but I was still trying, Until Jon startled, and pulled, HARD, and didn't let go. I burst out in tears and gave up, baby needed food and I coudn't do it, so just for one night I fixed a bottle of formula. Except it was more like 2 days, because that's how long it took for the pain to subside enough for me to try again, and I've just been failing since. So I've been trying to express milk so that I feel like less of a complete and utter failure, at least he's still breastfed even if it's not direct right? Except I seem to be getting less and less milk every time I pump, and he's drinking more and more. Tonight I tried again, He's only a month old, It's only been a few days since we last tried, He ate for almost 2 hours off and on, then he still needed to eat another 3 ounces of expressed milk. I was thinking about maybe getting a double pump, maybe I can keep up with it that way, This single pump isn't meant for such full time use, and I  have to pump for a good 45 minutes to get enough, usually I get 4-5 oz, but if i'm lucky I can get a whole 8oz, of course that's only if I sit there and pump for an hour. Is that what I should be doing? Pumping 24/7? He seems to get more from my pumping than he does when he's on the boob himself. Which I wouldn't complain about if he seemed content when he finished a 2 hour session, but he doesn't, and that's the problem. I brought up teh double pump idea to Toby, he seemed ok with it at first, but when I look at them online or really look into it, he gets that "we can't afford your silly shit" look, like he thinks we don't really need one. Maybe we don't, maybe he's right. I'm not going to argue with him, I don't even know myself.

So what do I do? keep trying and failing slowly? If i can't start getting more milk, he's going to  get more and more formula, and I'll feel like more and more of a failure. Not just to myself, but I'm failing Jon, even though he doesn't know it, and I feel like Toby sees me as a failure as well, even though he says its "OK". Everything just feels, wrong. I'm so upset and I've no clue what to do to fix it.

For nowI guess I'll just go get some sleep, going to take Chance to the playground tomorrow, and then go visiting, maybe I'll feel different in the morning... Probably not.